The Waltz

an Apostrophic Hymn

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Cast

Horace Hornem, Esq. – Parliament Man

Mrs. Hornem

Flossie - a Maid

2 No. marketable Misses Hornem

Countess of Waltzaway

Lord Byron - (non-speaking part)

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SCENE 1

 

Hornem Hall - a stout mansion in the Midlands

 

HH(hovering over Mrs. H): Mrs. Hornem - We must of necessity repair to London! 

Mrs. H: There is no clean water in London (winces) it smells worse than our piggery

HH: Tell Flossie the maid to start packing  – we must be in time for the Season!!

Mrs. H: Which season? – is London so far away that its climatic zone differs from that at Hornem Hall? - oh, very well (rings bell) - ah Flossie! – pile up the old chariot - and see to it that our ballgowns and associated accoutrements are in good repair

HH: I shall need my best blue coat and fresh nankeens

F: Yes Master Hornem Esq.

HH: Fine servant that - (grumbles to self ) - don’t seek to ingratiate herself with a man of substance by means immoral

Mrs. H: With the aid of purified liquor and smelling salts - for the sake of our girls - aged 15 and 16 respectively - I will tolerate a Season in London - for they have little chance of getting wed at any point hereafter

HH: Mrs. H - we will succeed re. marrying them off this year - the sheep are fattening and the price of corn is still mercifully high - and their dowries in the six percents increase apace

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Rings bell - two charming country girls appear, decked out in the latest Midlands fashions

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Girls: Oh Papa! Oh, Mama! We make for London yet again - will we soon have Beaus!!

Mrs. H: Merciful hour - play a little hard to get (yells) Flossie!!

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Flossie enters and carries the girls, the luggage and  Mrs. Hornem out - HH refuses and  proudly makes his own way 

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SCENE 2

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The Hornems are established at Waltzway House, home of Mrs. H's cousin, the Countess of Waltzaway

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W: Tonight girls - you must dazzle the Company or you will end up in the workhouse

Girl 1: We are prepared for the lewdness of high life in London 

Girl 2: We have been reading poetry

W: Excellent preparation - for nothing is lewder (rings bell) - Flossie!!

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Flossie enters with HH and Mrs. H 

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HH: Jolly good - best behaviour now children - (grumbles) for the sake of appearances I've  had to purchase a second-hand barouche so we need to get those wedding settlements rolling in, pronto

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All pile in and head off to the ball

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Mrs. H: Cotillons, reels - fine country tunes - perchance there may even be new tunes!

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Girls squeal - carriage pulls up to a mansion glowing dangerously with candlelight and surrounded by a moat of manure

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Mrs.H: Flossie!!

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Flossie lifts each female Hornem over the dung and into a packed vestibule - HH does trojan work on his own

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Mrs. H enters the dance-floor at speed

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HH(shocked and shaking): Flossie! What is poor dear Mrs. Hornem doing with her arms half round the loins of a huge hussar-looking gentleman I never set eyes on before; and his, to say the truth, rather more than half round her waist, turning round, and round, to a damned see-saw up-and-down sort of tune

Flossie: It reminds me of the 'Black Joke' only more 'affettuoso'  - Oh! - avert your eyes Master Hornem - Mrs. H.'s hand is on his shoulder! 

HH: Oh - dear God! - they're at it again, like two cock-chafers spitted on the same bodkin - where are my marketable daughters! Flossie - go fetch!

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Flossie, in her best mob cap, ranges through the diamonds, feathers, and pearls of the fashionable fair

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HH(red-faced, has found his daughters): Girls!! - this raucous activity - the Waltz -  it's the latest obscene thing imported from the Rhine -  Mrs. Hornem has already gotten into a scrape with the Prince of Wales - I would advise not getting involved - one's reputation - and shins - and fine muslin -  cannot recover from a full dance card of Waltzes

Girl 1: I'm itching to use my twinkling feet! - my future depends on each fantastic toe!
Countess of W(intercedes to HH): Do you want them to be wed or what? - (to girls) - Thy legs must move to conquer as they fly, Thy breast - if bare enough - requires no shield - dance forth - sans armour thou shalt take the field!!

Girl 2: Ooh! look at that young hussar -he looks quite the whiskered votary of Waltz and War!
Girl 1: A sight unmatched since Orpheus and his brutes! (points) That knight's Fandango is friskier than it ought

Countess of W(passing them each some wine): Knock it back girls - through the full veins its gentler poison swims - and wakes to wantonness the willing limbs 

HH: Saints spare us!! (taking a seat) Not since Cleopatra on her galley's deck has there been displayed so much of leg or more of neck!  - Back to the second-hand barouche! Flossie, find the now-irredeemable Mrs. Hornem!

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Flossie is nowhere to be found

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SCENE 3

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HH finds the Girls standing quietly in a corner

 

Girl 1: We found Flossie - and she has damned herself  and cannot be saved - she was unearthed in a very large Carriage with silk upholstery

HH: Flossie! (distressed) Who will carry Mrs. Hornem now! (sighs) I believe there is not one single gentleman who seeks no torments for life, just pleasures for a week!(frowns)

Mrs. H(in a tizzy): Mr. Hornem! Mr. Hornem! (picks up the stout fellow in her arms) - the Waltz is really quite endearing - compared with the Irish Jig and ancient Rigadoon (places his hands, which freely range in public sight) - come, I will demonstrate - our Spectred host taught me in the back Ball-room 

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Off the Hornems Waltz -with increasing delirium - to the disgust of the Girls

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Girl 1: Our Matron, ever on the watch to make a daughter's match - has ruined our chances - of marriages - and of dances!!

Girl 2: Also - I'm no damsel,  fainting when rather closely pressed! - I shall marry a country rector - and have no need for Superfluous Hartshorn and reviving Salts for my sturdy breast

F(approaches the Girls, somewhat mortified): Evening Misses - your parents - and the Countess of Waltzaway - are compromising themselves in the back ballroom.

Girl 1: Papa too?! 

F: Mr. Hornem Esq. has quite come around to the Saxon tune! - (hesitates) - erm, 'twould seem, Misses  - (mutters - 'ah, sink me')  - you spy that pale man darkly underlooking - standing by the Adam fireplace surround - the marble one (the Girls stand on tiptoe) - surrounded by praying, ambitious, yea! lustful women? Zounds! if we're not engaged to be married! Squeals

 

Girls are agape, and agog

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HH(comes a-running, distressed): Flossie! Flossie what have you done?

F: I was carrying various personages over the manure moat - and - who'd have thought - I was bewitched by a head of black locks and a voice not unlike hot chocolate on a winters day after working in the piggery - (fumbles) - I thence proceeded to surrender to this luminous being on the condition we be married at some point in the future

HH, and the 2 Girls: Oh poor - quite insanely stupid - Flossie!

F: humph! - I am warm, not wanton; dazzled, but not blind - the Courier reports on class-defying marriages every week - I will be a Lady! - if I could just remember his name (bites finger)

 

HH is taken aback by Flossie - notices her brownish mane come loose from her cap - smoothed by the fine silk of the upholstery and her vivid post-carriage-conversation complexion - becomes stern, coughs

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HH: The behaviours of Mrs. Hornem this eve have a strong whiff of a successful Crim.Con situation (beaming at Flossie) - an Esq. cannot afford a Napoleonic silk-lined carriage with excellent suspension - would a second-hand barouche offend?

F: Oh! Master Hornem! - ye, ye who never felt a single thought for what my Morals ought to be, who wisely wished the charms you view to reap, Say - would you make those beauties quite so cheap?

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Flossie defiantly steals a velvet headpiece with a large feather, and the sideboard on which it rests, - and departs - only to be caught up in the swelling tempo by an empty-handed Prince of Wales

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END