a Letter Supposed to be written from 

FLETCHER to HOBHOUSE

giving an account of

Byron's death in Venice

in 1818

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Cast

William Fletcher

Lord Byron

JC Hobhouse

Dr. Aglietti

Hoppner

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SCENE 1

 

Fletcher informs Hobhouse of Byron’s demise

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F: Welcome to our Palazzo my Lord

H: I am not a Lord - nay not even an Hon. as yet

F: Please do be seated on that chair my Lord - I am burthened with great grief

H(wears an expression of concern and amusement): Are your wives harassing you for welfare payments? Are your percents not paying sufficient dividends? (snickers) - what can ail a hearty yeoman like you Fletcher?

F(woeful): Didn’t I ask you to be seated my Lord - I have discomforting information

H: ‘Tis but from my Whiggish liberality that I’m letting such insolence slide

F: My dear late Master..

H: Your what?

F: My dear late Master - if you’d let me finish sir (H is pale - he now relents and sits) - died this morning at ten of the Clock of a rapid decline & slow fever caused by anxiety - sea-bathing - women and riding in the Sun against my advice

 

Hobhouse convulses - F pours him a stiff one

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F: He is a dreadful loss to everybody, mostly to me - who have lost a master - and a place 

H: Sunburn me! I cannot believe it! Why - we were only out masking and passading last eve!

F: I hope you - Sir - will give me a charakter

H: I want to see the body - immediately - he must be repatriated (paces and ponders) - will the Abbey take him? Certes, he hasn't as yet actually put poesy into Lucifer's mouth , or sympathised with Cain - look to it Fletcher! - show me where he lies

F(horrified): I swear on my Marietta, Monetta, and Piretta - although on the Town, they are good Christian women in all other matters moral - that I cannot! (wanders out of reach) - anyway, my Lord - although I am of some monetary substance, for I saved in his service as you know several hundred pounds - God knows how, for I don’t - nor my late master neither - my wage was not always paid to the day 

H(now angry): Deuced if you are not looking solely for cash at this most dreadful juncture?

F: I have wives - sir - here and at home - and there are probably a few children as well since I left. Sir - you who are his executioner won’t see a poor Servant wronged of his little all

 

H - still sitting - slowly recovers his senses

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H: I demand to see our dead Apollo

F: You can’t - quarantine laws

H(now fully in touch with his senses): I shall visit that rapscallion Vice-Consul and atrocious gossip, Hoppner - I will get to the bottom of this!

F: Feel free to ask my dear Master’s several phisicians and his Priest - he died a Papish - with coins on his eyes and incense up his nostrils

H(finding his feet):  Names, you yokel - I want their names! if you are deficient in calligraphic skills - I shall ask Hoppner instead

 

Fletcher writes the names on a piece of B’s discarded cantos of  “CHP 5 – A Journey Through the Dank Mires of Marriage and How to Survive Them”

 

H: humph - I shall return anon Fletcher - see to it that the staff, working girls included, are assembled and awaiting my return

 

Departs with a threatening sneer and an unconvincing cape-flourish

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SCENE 2

 

At the office of Dr. Aglietti

 

Receptionist: Do you have an appointment? Are you syphilitic?

H: No - not at the moment. I need to speak with  the greatest urgency to the good doctor

 

Aglietti peers around door

 

H: You! Italian medical man! A word please (H quite commanding when necessary)

A: My Lord?

H: Yes, well - (H becoming quite comfortable with this understandable continental error)  - my late - NO! - my BEST friend's insufferable oaf/valet has been misinformed of the former's death 

A: Ah!! The Lord Bryon! We are all tragically sad here in Venice - so much income he brought to the poor! One suspects he did not quite comprehend exchange rates

F: That is possible - however,  I want to see proof of death

A(to receptionist - “It is in my files, fetch!"): I can inform you My Lord that he suffered his illness with great patience - except that when in extremity he twice damned his friends and said they were selfish rascals, you - Lord Hobhouse particularly - and a Mr. Kinnaird - who had never answered his letters nor complied with his repeated requests

F: Pffft - not even in delirium would he insult Kinnaird!

 

The receptionist returns, empty-handed and in wet-weather gear - she and Aglietti  jump out the window into a waiting Gondola - H’s little grey cells are racing

 

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SCENE 3

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H appears at Vice-Consul Hoppner’s palazzo, and - foregoing formal introductions via a negligent doorman - confronts him

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H: You would be Hoppner - I presume

Hoppner: You are Hobhouse? - you have the mien and manner which my best friend Byron oft described (laughs)

H: Damned if I shall be diverted from my quest by insults from - (exclaims a hearty ‘Ha’ - folds arms and adjusts peruke) - from the son of a minor portrait painter! You know of course why I have entered your dilapidated premises?

Hoppner(shifting a tad): I suspect so - ‘tis a terrible tragedy - just as he was learning his catechism - (moves to a higher part of the floor) - I want to assure you that his nine whores are already provided for - as are the pea-fowl and the other servants

H(diverted but still angry): Oons! and that contemptible Nottinghamshire tenant with notions of Service?

Hoppner: Oh indeed - he pretends to his Cloathes & Carriages - and Cash - & everything - his Late Lordship was an indulgent master

H: He was culpably lenient, and liable once, that I remember, to his servants - however, there is proof still required - where does he lay?

 

F runs into the room - without a formal introduction - pouring sweat. H smirks

 

F: I forgot to mention that Consul Hoppner (Hoppner is glaring) quite against law has clapt his seal and taken an inventory and swears that he must account for my Lord’s heirs - who they are, I don’t know - but they ought to consider poor Servants and above all his Vally de Sham

H: Hoppner has already inventoried His Lordship’s items in your possession Fletcher - (stands triumphantly on his tip toes) - now that we are all gathered here, this abominable fraud shall be revealed

 

H walks up to Hoppner’s inefficient doorman - removes his carnival mask

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H: For shame Byron! - you damnable hoaxster!

B(not remorseful): Well played Hobby - come - I will explain the situation so charmingly - with somewhat excessive use of my perfect teeth and memorable laugh - the scrape which led me to enormities such as my wife never witnessed

 

H has already forgiven him and is planning an excursion to a timber yard

 

B: Although I am now in funds, due to my bad arithmetic I found I was once more in debt - my washing and ironing charges were exceedingly high - then Aglietti demanded the immediate payment for vast quantities of  'Il Porsoni's Remedy for Inflamed Nethers' by the surrender of my fine, accommodating Gondola - Fletcher as you can see by the exceptional Frankish tailoring of his jacket has been amply compensated - and Hoppner has control over my love life for the foreseeable future - so you see I am done up!

H, Hoppner and F: Yet again!!

B: Death and escape - of sorts - seemed the only honourable option - and be damned to it!

H: Sink me if you won't quite literally be damned a second time if you try this caper again

B: If I could but haul the deluxe sea-coal up from my mines. I should have no fear of the duns (grinds teeth) - how I sincerely wish that scoundrel Hanson at the devil!!!

H: Your never-tiring associates will think of something, such devotion do you inspire in us - but with two conditions - 1. settle for life with ONE Italian married woman - married, mind - saves a deuced amount of paperwork - 2.write more for the ladies, i.e. pirates, pashas, illicit loves etc. - they'll restore your fortune

B(slightly shamed): Hobhouse - you have been tried and never found wanting as yet(pats him on the head)

F: I am with tears in my eyes yours faithfully to command my Lord

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B takes the fine Frankish jacket off F 

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B(to F): Bring me the lease to my Casino - Hoppner witness - I am giving a month's notice to my deucedly expensive carnal carryings-on

H(delighted - pats B on back): To new - less contagious - adventures! Now, to find you a wife - God help us - someone else's!!

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All laugh heartily and repair to the little sensual comforts of Byron's Palazzo 

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END