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​Scene 1

 

Venice 1819, the Palazzo Mocenigo

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B: Tita, attenzione! (waves cane) - we have a lively day ahead - firstly, you must prepare our most accommodating gondola - (muses) mayhap ‘ Il Secchio Dell'amore 2000'?

T: Sì, my lord

B: Fletcher!!

F: Sì, my lord

B: Sì?? - well done, my inelastic man of learning! (to self: oons! three years in Venice and that Notts poltroon has learnt a sole exclamation) - now, Mr. Shelley will land presently, clear out the pianterreno and send all the monkeys upstairs to the piano nobile

F: You want me to clear out the pantry, my Lord? - and put the monkeys in the piano? (wanders off, puffing and grumbling) 

B: Fletcher - you irredeemable yokel, do we have a piano? - off, and clean out the ground floor - Mr. Shelley will be hauling in baskets of green fruit - and divers vegetables etc. - as offerings of goodwill and friendship towards that regal visitant to our shores - Il Colosso 

T: Il Colosso! - milord, we have just deposed of that Fornarina! - the washerwomen will homicide themselves in the canal if you bring yet another wild beast into our palazzo

B: Fletcher, you are aware Il Colosso is an illustrious elephant on tour, and not a new housekeeper? (chortles, imagines LaF's reaction to such a comparison) - to the task at hand - the monkeys are to be locked into my principal bedroom whilst Mr. Shelley is here (ponders) - mmm - it may be wise to issue them a fair ration of Canary wine, it may keep their screeching someway seemly

F: It don't surprise me that our poor Mr. Shelley is afraid of those vandals - how they love to launch themselves from the chandeliers! (displays hands) - just look, my Lord, at these bite marks  

B(frowns): That could be the work of your Marietta for all I know - moreover, Fletcher - my monkeys are the most charming cavalieros in Venice - look to it! (monkeys are in fact insulting the goats and peacocks) 

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Tita enters

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T: Mr. Shelley, my Lord

B: Ah - Shelley - mio carissimo amico, welcome - did you leave the baskets by the door?

PBS: Good day t'ye Byron (bows) - most assuredly - I have enough green vegetables, apples, and bananas for ten Il Colosso's! Our pantry is completely strip't of our preferred foodstuffs (brow furrows) - in truth, Mary is not best pleased - howbeit, she will just have to use Italian provisions (shudders) - panettone, tortellini, amaretti, Piedmontese agnolotti..

B: Ah, Italia! - the apex of gastronomy! Tita - load up the gondola and we shall make haste to the parade ground on the Riva degli Schiavoni

PBS(claps hands): To Il Colosso - that miracle of physiognomy!

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F tempts the monkeys upstairs with a bucket of fine Canary wine - the menagerie, and Mutz the haggard bulldog, whimper after their master

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​Scene 2

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B & S take to the Grand Canal and join the gathering of astounded admirers - Il Colosso is prancing about with great conceit

 

T: La! (points) - the celebrissimo Signor!

B: Tita, keep rowing - we must get closer (gasps) - my, how placid the giant is! - how gently his great ears flutter in the breeze (is moved to tears) - how forbearing he is with we - we, mere insects of the proletariat!

PBS: What a stupendous fellow! - verily, an Adriatic relict of Alexander's Alpine chariot

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​B, a handy right-arm bowler in his day, pitches fruit to Il Colosso - who proves himself an equally handy outfield man

 

PBS: His appetite is most entertaining (rummages, frowns) - why, yon monster is a most gluttonous villain - for we have but one basket remaining!

B: Pray, what are these decaying morsels? (discovers scattered comestibles on the gondola's velvet cushions)

S: Ah! - that, my friend, is a rustic Italian breed of dough -‘ pane verde' (nibbles) Mary will not have it in the house, so I keep a surreptitious supply always in my pockets 'ere I need a bite - look, Byron, look at the swirling green patterns (is distracted) - I own, it invigorates my brain quite

B(inspects bread): My dear Snake, it would appear more akin to a horticultural blight - however, it shall have to suffice - and as our friend could swallow fire-irons, surely no harm can come to him (spins the bread to Il Colosso)

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Il Colosso chomps - momentarily, he rears, bellows and begins to massacre the waterfront

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PBS: Be damned! - look at that vegetarian gourmet! - he has broken free from his Ark (hurriedly hides under cushions) - what the devil could prompt this violent display?!
T(blesses himself with equal violence): Santo Cristo, milord! Shall I row?

B: Why, he is but amusing himself (B is vastly amused) Ha! - he is flinging trees and foliage into the water - ah! there goes the Cardinal's viewing platform - such an extraordinary fellow!

PBS: Arrghhh! he wears a wild-eyed and disheveled aspect! - Tita - row, row for milord's palazzo

B: Don't mind that, Tita - they are coaxing him with peck-loaves into his barge - a wise move, as he certainly enjoyed your loaves, Shelley - in fact, they wrought quite his change of attitude to the world at large
PBS: Holy fires!! He has hurled the cardinal into the Convent! Those bolts - and be damned to them! - are impervious to attack - he shall surely break his back!

B: Sink me, the mad scoundrel is ramming the Palaço Dogal!

PBS: The doges are safe - for he is aiming for the fruit shops (the waters of the canal become choppy) - mother of divine, Tita - row us out of here, pronto!

S: Arggh! look upon that mighty animal Byron - and despair! and, if you would Tita, row!!

T: Oh, now he's molto furioso - the Austrians (spits) have fired their musquets upon him - the dogs!!

B: Why, it will be Nuts to all of them! - er, in your own time there Tita - if you'd manage to row, Mr. Shelley cannot swim, you know by the Beard of my Father! Father of all Damnation! Mannaggia

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Tita obliges as Il Colosso runs riot, destroying many fruit stalls and bridges until he is out of range of the Austrians

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*

​Scene 3

 

Several hours later at the Palazzo 

 

S(is haggard): Byron - if you permit me - I have one and a half hungry wives to get back to - I own this day has depleted my nerves - there has surely never been a rowdier carnival - four o'morn and it's as still as barksome as Billingsgate
B: Why, I have yet to eat supper - visit my nine muses - attend to the washerwomen - perchance continue with my new bantling, the Donny Johnny you admire so extravagantly, (bites nails) - for I am much in need of ready Brain Money for said muses - Fletcher!!

F: Yes, my Lord

B: Eggs and Canary wine for myself and Mr. Shelley

F: If I may sue - my Lord - there is not an egg nor a piece of bread nor a drop of wine to be had in the house

PBS: I really must be leavi..

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The salon doors fly open - Vice Consul Hoppner and Chief Officer Spoonelli enter

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H: My Lord - can you not hear the riot? - good evening, Mr. Shelley - there has been the Devil’s own row
OS: The Austrian constabulary has gone into hiding - things are completely out of control 

B: Damned if they're not! (laughs) - it has been one of the better carnivals

OS: The carnival is over for the night, my Lord!

B: Then what the devil's shoehorn is all that noise?

H(is in a rage): That is cannon shot from the arsenal, Byron! - come this way

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The party heads upstairs and into B's principal bedroom - Il Colosso is bellowing on the balcony, the monkeys gleefully offer him tribute in the form of precious Venetian decor 

 

OS: You see! - that untameable beast is hurling your tapestries and chandeliers and mirrors - santa maria! paintings of varied Mocenigo ancestors, mistresses, and Doges - unrecoverably into the canal!

PBS: Byron, are your monkeys drunk?

OS: Oh, your magnificent canopied bed! I have never seen such wanton destruction of bed hangings and small cloaths!

B: 

H: You shall certainly lose your deposit - and your geraniums (pots crash into ‘ Il Secchio Dell'amore 2000' wobbling violently at its post)

OS: Madame Mocenigo must be quaking in her attic, praying for deliverance from the Austrians

B: What Madame Mocenigo does in her own time is not my concern (approaches monkeys) - I wonder what bough our friend here? 
OS: The nuns in the bell tower spied him heading this way - unsurprisingly, none of your staff remarked on a new - albeit outsized - addition to your menagerie

S(gasps): Is it the rutting season? He must have gone mad and followed a scent, looking for a she-creature

B(admiringly): The gallante!

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The elephant turns his great head towards S and calmy approaches, the monkeys persist in their looting, despite it no longer being strictly necessary

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B: How remarkable - he is striding right toward you, Shelley

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Il Colosso gently stretches out his trunk towards S - S holds his ground

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B: I must say Shelley - you don't want courage
OS: His trunk - why, he is searching your pockets, signore Shelley

S: Zounds, this is quite the burlesque (B snickers) - oh, I do believe he is searching for remnants of  my 'pane verde' - here, my notorious renegado (proffers crumbs)

H: Come Spoonelli - with your help Mr. Shelley - we shall lead him down what remains of the marble stairs if we are to save him from slaughter by the Austrians

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The elephant placidly follows, curling his trunk around Shelley's arm - B is much moved 

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B: Why, the snake and the elephant - who'd imagine they'd be pipkins of the same pottery?

S: Mary will cease her anger of the temporary absence of green fruits once she sees our new house pet

OS: No, signore Shelley - he is the property of the police

B: And where are you taking him? 

H(exchanges glances with OS): Why, to a noted retirement sanctuary for circus animals and old or inconvenient family pets - fret not - milord - he shall have plenty of room to run and play and live out peacefully the rest of his days

B: It is as well, Shelley, Mary would soon tire of having yet another inconvenient elephant in the room 

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The party wait some time on the steps of the Palazzo Mocenigo for the police gondola to arrive - S runs out of pane verde whereupon Il Colosomo once again loses his temper, hoists S on his back and swims into the lagoon, S shielding him from Austrian bullets

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B: Yes, Fletcher - one of the quieter carnivals - put the monkeys to bed in the darkest room - and bring me Mutz

F: Si, milord

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*

​End

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