Miss Eliza Francis

meets a

Transcendent Being

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 Cast

Lord Byron – Patron of the Arts

Eliza Francis – Needing of Patronage

Mrs. Francis – Eliza's Mama

Douglas Kinnaird

Fletcher

Mrs. Mule

 

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SCENE 1

 

1814, the genteelly impoverished Francis family lodgings. The sagging bookshelves and rancid pipe tobacco are suggestive of  a recently deceased academic

 

Mrs. F: Eliza! We are three months behind on the rent! Your well-sponsored books have cost a fortune in shoe leather - and have failed to keep us in sea-coal

E: Oh! Mama - even the noble and devout Lord Byron - whom I have never written to - makes not a bean from his poems (studies herself in the overmantle, sighs) - How are we to survive now that Papa has gone? Am I to become a governess? Or a part-time editor of ladies' journals?

Mrs. F: Eliza – sit please – (Eliza sits) – our options are few - yours, to be more accurate – you must either marry - and marry well - or become a milliner, in Covent Garden

E: But I know nothing of hat making etc – and although I am quite pretty and attract many beaus - I shall love only once

Mrs. F: You cannot be particular child - you are now 25! (reaches for a fan) We are in near danger of eviction Eliza!

E (Eliza brightens): Pray for me Mama – I am going abroad to seek help!

Mrs. F: Abroad!?

E: Yes -  I am off to Piccadilly!

 

Eliza dons a flattering bonnet - which barely conceals her curls but distracts from her shameful shoe leather 

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SCENE 2

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The Albany - deluxe Batchelor residence of notorious reputation - Eliza asks the porter for the rooms of Lord Byron

 

P: Certainly Madam - (points) -  just follow the path where the parquetry is most worn (smirks)

E (not at all astounded): I thank you - here is a copy of my poems for your trouble (The porter is also not at all astounded)

 

Eliza knocks on Byron's door - Fletcher opens it, beaming with undue familiarity

 

F: Good morrow Miss – how may I be of help?

E: Hullo – what a quaint accent and compassionate civility you possess! – it puts me quite at ease and bodes well for your Master. Fact is, I would like an audience with His Lordship

F: Certainly – wait here ‘til I check the if the coast is clear (returns) - my Lord is engaged just now with his lawyer fellow - who is busy stuffing his pockets -  but if you'd care to wait, it’s odds on that my Lord will see you

E(becomes distressed): I must see him! I am an authoress in want!

F: 'Ere now lass - wait in here with Mrs. Mule (F shows E into the housekeeper's room)

E(to MM): Hello – you must be an antient relative of my Lord – I can’t imagine you getting having to straighten his sheets (giggles uncontrollably and alone)

MM: 'ere thou floozy piece of muslin - 'ere I've seen ye and many of ye in 'ere ye'll know soon - errrr  - ha ha whoosh!  (waves duster with menace)

F: Whisht your tongue Mrs. Mule,  Jesus Mary! - (a cowbell rings) - that’ll be him now!

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F returns

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F: His Lordship desires to know who it was that did him the honour of wishing to see him

E: Oh, tell his Lordship that it is the Lady who wrote to him on Friday - defending him from slanders re. his pact with the Devil

F(does his best): Yes – well – other ladies wrote to him on the very same subject that very same day (Eliza starts crying in agitation) – oh er! My master will receive you

MM: 'op along Missy 'ere I draw 'yer cork (performs arcane hand gestures)

 

F coughs to announce E 

 

B(looking up from empty cash tin): What the deuce Fletcher!! …Oh hello! (moves towards his favourite spot next to the fire – which sets his alabaster complexion aglow most flatteringly)

F: Miss Eliza Francis, authoress, my Lord

E(stunned by the luminous Lord): Why your Lordship – I wasn’t half afraid – in fact am in surprise and admiration – you are neither so sombre nor so magnificently stern as imagined – in fact you look so sweet and charming – like Shelley

B: huh? – Pray, sit down - I will not hear one word until you are seated - (aloofly) you appear to have a very independent spirit

E: Yes, my Lord – (becoming uncomfortable) - for my family is in distress and it is for them I ask favours which I would not for myself

B: You are not married are you? - you said your ‘family.'

E: Oh -I meant my Mother and my Sister - no - I am not – as yet – wed

B: I thought you could not be married - you look so young (underlooking) - seventeen, eighteen is the utmost I can allow you to be 

E: My Lord, I am five-and-twenty, the same age - and quite nearing the grave, ha! - as you are

 

The conversation moves to the fire, the sofa - and poetry

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SCENE 3

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E: My latest I have named "Sante Maura, Marion and Minor Poems" - I gave the only copy to your porter (B  appears relieved) I am into Pope majorly – I see you have all his works. He is a great favourite of mine - when I was reading the "Iliad" I put the book under my pillow every night 

B: Like Alexander the Great (they both laugh) – Eliza – it is a shocking thing you should be so circumstanced - how much do you owe for your lodging and other things? Well, but what is it - tell me?

E (blushes):  Twenty-five pounds (B hands E a cheque)

E: Oh my Lord, I cannot thank you properly - your kindness will not be forgotten - I was told my Lord Byron is an Infidel, but no, it cannot be – as I have, zounds! - £50 in my hand!

B: Shall we discuss the origin of Love? (B's elbow returns to the mantlepiece, gives E a dazzling yet distant glance) – is it possible you have not yet formed any attachment? 

E: No – but my Mother insists I wed  - she would be delighted if you’d pop by someday

B: My dear Child, are you quite serious! I cannot. I will tell you how I am circumstanced and then you will see it is impossible -  I am going to be married! To a Miss Milbanke, I believe

 

Eliza turns cold and grabs her chest – Mrs. Mule runs in with a bucket of ice

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B: Eliza - your glossy curls have come loose from your bonnet - come here awhile and let me fix them

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Awhile passes

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E(sitting on Byron's lap): Never again shall our meetings be all sunshine - and stolen kisses and fumblings - my Lord -  I feel the shadow of Miss Milbanke will lay across them

B: Perhaps you are right. my dear Eliza

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Unannounced, in comes Douglas Kinnaird - smirking somewhat sleazily towards B

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K: Well hallo! - heh heh - a new piece - you dog!

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B glares - E is horrified 

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E (gathers her cap and stockings): I must leave my Lord - your improper associate has just ruined my reputation (slaps K's face) - I must resign for you forever my Lord (flings herself into B's arms)

B: Have no fear of your good name, my dear Miss Francis( kisses her hand)  - anon! - unless my funeral marriage is called off. I will take care of that hot and fiery Douglas!

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B angrily reaches for his hanging Turkish yataghan and slices the cork off a soda bottle, expertly aimed to knock the cigar off Kinnaird's hanging lip

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SCENE 4

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Eliza has returned home

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E: Mama! Mama! - Lord Byron is an angel - I must respect and admire him - he is so superior - yet so modest-so sensible - yet lively - he has subscribed most generously – to the tune of £50 – which will clear all our debts

Mrs. F: Well, well, child - that will do - get your sister from the scullery - we must all kneel and pray to God to bless him (they kneel and utter a prayer)  - Eliza - here is your chance to make a few bob from your scribblings – you must now take your new MS to him 

E (blushes, deeply): I cannot - for he is to be married - and will entertain female company no more - especially authoresses

Mrs. F: So be it! A very distinguished gentleman was here for afternoon muffins - and I offered him your hand Eliza - and you now have to accept! - you won't get another proposal beyond 25 - and the coal merchant is threatening to halt supply 

E: No, Mama - I shall never love again 

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Eliza wanders to her chamber and dreams not only of B and his eyelashes but of Miss Milbanke and the unstable sea cliffs of  Seaham

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END

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