Miss Eliza Francis 

meets a

Transcendent Being

d

 Cast

Lord Byron - Patron of the Arts

​Eliza Francis - Authoress needing of Patronage

Mrs. Francis - Eliza's Mama

Douglas Kinnaird

Fletcher

Mrs. Mule

d

 

​Scene 1

 

Brompton 1814, the genteelly impoverished Francis family lodgings - an ink-stained carpet and rancid pipe tobacco are suggestive of  a recently deceased academic

 

Mrs. F: Eliza - we are three months behind on the rent! Hawking your well-sponsored books has cost a fortune in shoe leather - and have but failed to keep us in sea-coal

E: Oh, Mama! - even the noble and devout Lord Byron - to whom I have never written - makes not a bean from his poems (studies herself in the overmantle) How are we to survive now that Papa has gone? Am I to become a governess? Or a part-time editor of ladies' journals? Can we not heat the house with charcoal?

Mrs. F: Eliza - sit please (Eliza sits) our options are few - yours, to be more accurate - you must either marry - and marry well - or become a milliner in Covent Garden

E: But I know nothing of hat making etc. - and although I am very pretty and attract many beaus - Papa said - and he felt it to his very bowels - that I shall love only once - to my heart alone must I harken!

Mrs. F: Mercifully, your father's bowels are no longer my concern - you, however, cannot be so particular - Eliza, you are now 25! (reaches for a fan) We are in near danger of eviction!

E (Eliza brightens): Mama, I am going abroad to seek help! Do bestow upon your daughter your trust and benediction

Mrs. F: What? Abroad!?

E: Yes - I am off to Piccadilly!

 

Eliza dons a flattering bonnet - which barely conceals her curls but distracts from her shameful shoe leather 

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d

Scene 2

 

The Albany - deluxe Bachelor residence of notorious reputation - Eliza asks the porter for the rooms of Lord Byron

 

P: Certainly Madam (points)  just follow the path where the parquetry is most worn (smirks)

E(not at all astounded): I thank you - here is a copy of my poems for your trouble (porter is also not at all astounded)

 

Eliza knocks on Byron's door - Fletcher opens it, beaming with undue familiarity

 

F: Good morrow Miss - how may I be of help?

E: Hullo - what a quaint accent and compassionate civility you possess! - it puts me quite at ease and bodes well for your Master (whispers) - fact is, I would like an audience with His Lordship

F: Certainly - wait here (winks) - ‘til I check the if the coast is clear (returns) - my Lord is engaged just now with his lawyer fellow, who is busy stuffing his pockets - if you'd care to wait, it’s odds on that my Lord will see you

E(becomes distressed): I must see him now! I am an authoress in want! Look at the state of my shoe! (holds same up for inspection)

F: 'Ere now lass - wait in here with Mrs. Mule (shows E into the housekeeper's room)

E(to MM): Hello - you must be an ancient relative of my Lord - I can’t imagine you having to straighten his bed-sheets (giggles uncontrollably)

MM: 'Ere thou floozy piece of muslin - I've seen ye and many of ye in 'ere ye'll know soon - errrr  - ha ha whoosh! (waves duster with menace)

F: Whisht your tongue Mrs. Mule,  Jesus Mary! (a cowbell rings) - that’ll be him now!

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F returns

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F: His Lordship desires to know who it was that did him the honour of wishing to see him

E: er? - oh, tell his Lordship that it is the Lady who wrote to him on Friday - defending him from slanders re. his pact with the Devil

F(does his best): Aye - well - other ladies wrote to him on the very same subject that very same day (Eliza starts crying in agitation) - ah, lass! my master will receive you (thinks: he will - then he'll dig me with a dinner fork!)

MM:  'op along ye bold Missy (performs arcane hand gestures) - 'ere I draw 'yer cork 

 

F coughs to announce E 

 

B(looking up from empty cash tin): What the deuce Fletcher!! …oh hello! (moves towards his favourite spot next to the fire, which sets his alabaster complexion aglow most flatteringly)

F: Miss Eliza Francis, authoress, my Lord

E(stunned by the luminous Lord): Why, your Lordship - I wasn’t half afraid - in fact, I am in surprise and admiration - for you are neither so sombre nor so magnificently stern as I fancied, in my imagination

B: Pray, sit down Eliza - I will not hear one word until you are seated (aloofly) - you appear to have a very independent spirit, my dear

E: For reason, my Lord (becoming uncomfortable) - you see, my family is in distress and it is for them I ask favours which I would not for myself (is mortified) - for our rent is in arrear

B: You are not married are you? (glares angrily) - you said your ‘family'

E: Oh - I meant my Mother and my Sister - no - I am not - as yet - wed

B: I thought you could not be married (glare fades) - you look so young (underlooking) - seventeen, eighteen is the utmost I can allow you to be 

E: My Lord, I am five-and-twenty, the same age - and quite nearing the grave, ha! - as thee

 

The conversation moves to the fire, the sofa - and poetry

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d

 

Scene 3

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Eliza is offered champagne - and declines - claiming she is allergic to shellfish

 

E: My latest booke I have named “Sante Maura, Marion and Minor Poems” - I gave the only copy to your porter (B appears relieved) I am into Pope majorly - I see you have all his works - d'you know, when I was reading the “Iliad” I put the book under my pillow every night? 

B: Ha! - like Alexander the Great, quite (they both laugh) Eliza - it is a shocking thing you should be so circumstanced - how much do you owe for your lodging and other things? (E blushes) - Well, but what is it - tell me

E: 'Tis - 'tis twenty-five pounds (B hands E a cheque)

E: Oh my Lord, I cannot thank you properly - your kindness will not be forgotten - I was told my Lord Byron is an Infidel, but no, it cannot be - as I have £50 in my hand! - zounds!

B: Shall we discuss the origin of Love, Eliza? (B's elbow returns to the mantle-piece, gives E a dazzling yet distant glance) Is it possible you have not yet formed any attachment? 

E: I have not - but my Mother insists I wed - she would be delighted if you’d pop by someday - a Lord (rolls eyes) - my matriarch would be only too happy to receive

B: My dear Child, are you quite serious? I cannot - I will tell you how I am circumstanced and then you will see it is impossible - I am going to be married! - to a Miss Milbanke, I believe

 

Eliza turns cold and grabs her chest

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B: Eliza - your glossy curls have come loose from your bonnet - come here awhile and let me fix them

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Awhile passes

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E(sitting on Byron's lap): Never again shall our meetings be all sunshine - and stolen kisses and fumblings - my Lord - I feel the shadow of Miss Milbanke will lay across them

B: Perhaps you are right, my dear Eliza (grinds teeth) - this marriage is designed by all to be a solution to my amatory mayhem

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Unannounced, in strolls Douglas Kinnaird - smirking somewhat sleazily towards B

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K: Well hallo! - heh heh - a new piece - why, you dog!

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B glares - E is horrified 

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E(gathers her cap and stockings): I must leave my Lord - your improper associate has just ruined my reputation (slaps K's face) - I must resign for you forever! (flings herself into B's arms) - but - perchance - just one more kiss 

B: Have no fear of your good name, I shall take care the creature Dougal minds his tongue - my dear Miss Francis(kisses her hand) - anon! - unless my funeral marriage is called off, that is

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B angrily reaches for his hanging Turkish yataghan and slices the cork off a soda bottle, expertly aimed to knock the cigar hanging off Kinnaird's lip

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d

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Scene 4

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Eliza has returned home

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E: Mama! Mama! - my Lord Byron is an angel

Mrs. F: Lord Byron?! - what know you of that alarming lobby-lounging Lord, Eliza?

E: Mama - we must respect and admire him - he is so superior - yet so modest - so sensible - yet lively - and he has subscribed to our situation most generously - to the tune of £50!

Mrs. F: Well well, child - that will do (thinks: a rogue - e'en yet - is he married?) Bring up your sister Mary from the scullery - we must all kneel and pray to God to bless him (they kneel and utter a prayer) - Eliza, here is your chance to make a living from your scribbles - ask him to take you to Mr. Murray's - who's to say you may not receive a few encouraging nibbles?

E(blushes, deeply): I cannot take advantage of his noble spirit, Mama - for he is to be married - and will entertain female company no more - especially authoresses

Mrs. F: So be it at last Eliza!! A very distinguished hat-maker was here for afternoon muffins - and I offered him your hand - now you have to accept! - proposals beyond your 25 years are seldom successes!

E: Never!! You must hoist him on Mary (shakes her curls in distress) - dear Mama, did not Papa explain? - my heart once won - and my stockings undone - shall never love again!

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Eliza wanders to her chamber and dreams not only of B - and his comfortable knee - but of Miss Milbanke and the unstable cliffs of Seaham tumbling into the sea

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d

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END​​​​