An Occasional Prologue

Delivered by the Author

previous to the Performance of

‘The Wheel of Fortune’

At a Private Theatre

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Cast

Lord Byron

John Pigot

A Bevy of Southwell Belles

Elizabeth Pigot

Catherine Byron

Reverend Becher

 

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 Scene 1

 

1806 - P & B are travelling to Southwell, where the production will take place

 

B(settling in, unwrapping jellied partidges): Now Pigot, I’ll spin a prologue for our play - be damned to my French! - Pigot? - what is the correct pronunciation of  ‘debut’? (opens writing slope replete with ink, paper, seals, and pink silk ribbons with dark auburn curls attached)

P: day - byou

B: byou? - mmm - what a very odd language - however, that will do to rhyme for ‘new' 

P: We are almost there, Byron - you can finish it after supper

B: ‘Tis done!

P: By the devil, is it? Well, I do hope Becher is as prompt with his epilogue (nervously furrows brow) - I must confess to nerves re. performing - not only do I lack convincing mannerisms, but I declaim like a newly-minted demagogue

B: Pfft - that is not uncommon to embryo actors - as for myself - I’ve shone in Harrow speeches and other private theatricals (is delighted with himself) - I’m already rehearsing my maiden speech for the Lords by practicing my acoustics vigorously with my amiable Mama -(B consoles) - 'tis easy enough, Pigot - just imagine the audience in their small cloathes - 'twil distract from the on-stage drama

P: I wouldn't pass that direction on to Reverend Becher - or our pious Southwell maids

B: Damnable suspension in this coach! - I’ve spilled ink all over my nankeens!!

P: Here, let me read your prologue - you change into one of the twenty spares which you have handy (script quivers in P's hands) - aye, me! (reads) I require a jug of Mother's turtle soup - or a large brandy (empties naggin)

 

B wriggles in and out of his nankeens with astonishing speed

 

P(anxieties relieved): Deuced if you don’t have us all mimicked to rights! - you dog! (laughing into his partridge) - it won't stand! 

B: I have a plan re. bamboozlement of same - for which I shall enlist your help, Pigot

P: Fine - so long as you don't cut my lines and put me on lighting

B: Lord above - we’re here already!

 

Coach pulls into Southwell - J and B leap out - B is already gesticulating and vocalising on the village green

 

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 Scene 2 

 

B enters CB's mansion in the village, Burgage Manor

 

CB: So - you’re home! Where have you been? Have you been sent down from Cambridge? Is that bear growing large on milk and sugar? Why is your hair growing in uneven patches? Have you found a Golden Dolly yet? What of Miss Heuson - have you forsook her? What am I to do? The upholsterers, shutter-makers, and ornamental gilders are tormenting me! Have you eaten?

 

B bows theatrically to his mother

 

CB: You devil!! You’re just like your father - God rest him

B: Mother, we have a part for you in our play - the other performers will be young ladies and gentlemen of the neighbourhood 

CB(urgently): Does Lord Grey de Ruthven have a rôle?

B: Our tenant is in need of medical attention after being caught poaching on the Chaworth manor - your role is pivotal - will you take it? - it involves insulting me and my people innumerable times

CB(chortles): I shall write my own lines

EP and JP enter: Hallo Mrs. Byron

CB: Hallo my friends - please leave Boatswain outside - he slobbers over my chintzes

B: I shall enact Penruddock in ‘The Wheel of Fortune' - Pigot here shall play Timothy Weazel, Bess - Emily - and - er, mother you shall play Dame Dunkley, idol of country squires and exiled princes 

CB: ‘Dame'? - well - that is excellent casting Byron! As you know (to J & E Pigot) - James 1 was my grandfather

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The Rev. Becher enters

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Rev.B: Hallo the company!

B: Super-excellent timing, Becher - I have a part for you in tonight's production - Jenkins, the Butler - pivotal - as you know

Rev.B: Always in formal attire - never the warmly-drawn love interest (sighs) - anyway, Byron - may I read your prologue? (reads and is alarmed)

Rev.B: This is quite alarming - it will not stand, Byron! The Leacroft's parlour is not the Boswell Field! - the actors - esp. the ladies - will refuse to perform after being ridiculed on stage like this! Even the sternest censor, to the fair must yield!

B: To quiet their apprehensions, Becher - I will oblige and assure them that if - after having heard it at rehearsal, they do not of themselves pronounce it harmless, and even request that it should be preserved, I will most willingly withdraw it (smirks at Pigot) - all that remains is to find a good-natured audience fond of a harmless skit

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CB feeds crumpets to Boatswain as the assembled company start rehearsing

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Scene 3

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The actors are assembled on stage - Byron and Pigot enter

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B: Charming - charmant - young ladies - very well got up you are - as fine an apparatus of actresses as I've ever seen - including London or Cheltenham

P: Mrs. Byron and Elizabeth - you have both costumed yourselves with admirable vigour

CB: 'Twould appear I am playing a servant? At a cottage? BYRON!!! A servant!! - where are my tongs!!

B(consoling - and also lying): No mother - there is a secret coroneting at the end - you must have missed it

CB: Oh

B: Now! As we are all rehearsed up to our oxters - Pigot will recite my prologue - and, as promised, if any of you feel we are cutting a sham - 'twil be ripped from our programme! (Pigot winks) - over to you - a hand for John Pigot

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Actors applaud but seem concerned - Pigot reads the piece as a particularly joyless Sunday sermon half-way during Lent - actors seem relieved 

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EP: I wonder how a suspicion of waggery could have attached itself to so well-bred a production?

Rev B: Why - the verses are innocent, and are as free from all sharp points as possible - there isn't even any mimicry - forsooth - there is no sting in any of these pleasantries, nay, nor passion - My fellow thespians, I feel we can trust Byron on this occasion

B: Now - are we good to go - yes? - oons! to the drama!!

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Noise from the gathering audience - Pigot, fortified and dressed as a yellow-eyed legal man, appears in front of the curtain

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P: Welcome, my fellow Southwellians - tonight we bring you ‘The Wheel of Fortune' starring Lord Byron, his Hon. Mother and a smattering of local stunners. I will commence proceedings with His Lordship's Prologue - ahem -

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“No Cooke, no Kemble, can salute you here,

No Siddons draw the sympathetic tear

To-night you throng to witness the début
Of embryo actors, to the Drama new.."(B: damned good rhyme that)

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Pigot proceeds to give it the full Byron of unsparing wit and cutting mimicry

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EP(behind stage): Byron - you have scurvily tricked us! - you have made us into figures of low amusement (the outraged dramatis personæ prepare to leave when they hear the audience convulsed with laughter )

B: It was Pigot's idea - besides, my loyal troupe - some of whom are tenants (casts a dark eye) - at least the audience is in good cheer - perchance drunk on Pigot's turtle soup - and we may take the field with confidence 

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Muttering amongst actors

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EP: It is agreed - no venal views our progress can retard - any generous plaudits are our sole reward!

Rev.B: (rouses the players - as per a more inspiring Sunday sermon): Here, then - our almost unfledged wings we can but try - should our feeble efforts naught avail - should our best endeavours fail - I feel certain our friends shall find mercy in their bosoms - and if they can't applaud - they will at least forgive

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Actors concede and join in with the raucousness - B spectacularly takes to the stage at sunset - followed, without cue, by CB wearing a coronet

 

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END