To A Lady Who Presented To The Author A Lock Of Hair

Braided With His Own

And Appointed A Night In December

To Meet Him In The Garden

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A

 

Cast

A callow Lord Byron

2 Virtuous Ladies

2 Learnèd Virgins

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A

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Scene 1

 

A comfortable mansion in Southwell, Notts

 

B: Well, I’m not stirring ladies – the snow is un-Vinous this evening! Let’s have some Champagne!

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A volley of frowns from the Learnèds, followed by a volley of sighs from the Ladies

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Lady 1(sighing and whining): How dreary it is, my Lord, firstly, to have no balconies, and also to have such mucky weather in our usually Arcadian groves

B: You sound like Lydia Languish - fretting with self-created anguish!

Lady 2: Indeed, why should you sigh and whine - we’ve an expensive sea-coal fire roaring- why for clear skies would you pine?

B: Well said, er, Miss, er -Indeed in Italy I’d have no objection, warm nights are proper for reflection; but here our climate is so rigid, that love itself is rather frigid

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Chokes, Gasps and Collapsing of the Learnèds - Byron calls for Boatswain and Brandy

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B: Calm down, good God - I merely concur with that over-esteemed cockney, Shakespeare – he, after all, set the precedent since Juliet first declared her passion in a garden

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B. pops the Champagne – the cork, unfortunately, breaks a pane of glass

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Lady 2(to B): Oh my Lord! The handyman is off tonight - would you care to help me in the leafless shades to sue for window repairs

Lady 1(standing in a fury): It is MY locks which are fondly entwined with his! And I KNOW we’re out of putty!

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Byron helps the Learnèds off the floor, reviving them by taking their wigs off, which Boatswain proceeds to gnaw

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B(fuming): I did not come to this execrable kennel for the fun of it. I require no assignations, orations, declarations, or protestations!

Lady 1: How about potations?

Lady 2: Libations?

Learnèd 1 (handing B. her Book of Common Prayer): Exhortations?

B: I’m almost out of Champagne

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A

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SCENE 2

 

Byron is asleep on the sofa

 

Lady 1(whispering): Byron! Byron! Our love is fix’d, I think we’ve proved it, nor time, nor place, nor art have moved it

B: Oons! that’s a nasty breeze - you haven’t fixed the window yet? Why doom the lover you have chosen, on winter to nights to sigh half frozen?

Lady 1: Then let us meet, as oft we’ve done, beneath the influence of the sun

B: Considering the English winter ends in July only to recommence in August - it doesn't give us much time

Lady 2(bursting into the room with hardware): We DO have putty! - Just think on our chilly situation my Lord!

B(to self - mem. must find devoted lifelong servant tomorrow): Enough, enough my rural strumpets!! - While it is true we can love for hours together, there’s a chance my passion could fail to please..

Both Ladies: I’ll be content to freeze!!

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Enter the Learnèds, re-coiffed and stern

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Learnèd 1: Curb this rage for imitation, young ladies

Learnèd 2: Be content to rise not above your station!

B: The Devil take ye all!! There's fewer hazards visiting my Matron! (frowns) - yea, e'en if my faithful hound has rabies

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The Learnèds faint on top of Boatswain - Byron orders his coach, necks the remaining Champagne

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B:Addio fair ones! Hang onto that hair locket Miss, er - it’ll be worth a small fortune when I am dust (bows deeply)

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A

END

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