fletcher unmanned | Jed Pumblechook

FLETCHER

UNMANNED

Cast

William Fletcher

Tita Falcieri

Suliote 1

Suliote 2

Lord Byron

SCENE 1

Missolonghi - Fletcher and Tita are polishing B's swords

T: Careful Fletcher! - these Greek blades are poorly crafted - you must not polish so close

F: Aye - look at that edge - couldn't cut an apple - English swordsteel is th' finest

T: Si, perhaps - but our Italian stilettos are the prettiest, most discreet and the slashiest

F(sighs): oons - as my Master would say - mio Tita - do you miss Venice? - your gondola?

T: Home is where milord is - although my gondola could cut through these swamps

like Tiramisu - I do miss our Venetian moonlight - there is nothing like it for mischief

F: I long for my Marietta - it has been months -Tita - months!

T: You have a marked over-fondness for the sex, Fletcher - it has been oft remarked upon in the Converzationes

F: Has it?! (quite delighted) - yea, I do that - the women here are off limits - his Lordship has told me that fooling around - yea, even amongst camp followers - will have me bastinadoed

T: Si - we are here to help Milord mio Fletcher - not to help ourselves!

B enters, irritated

B: I can hear you complaining Fletcher! What the deuce is wrong with you now?!!!

T(interrupts): His amicae milord (raises eyebrows)

B: Oons Fletcher!! The damned perplexity and trouble you give me with this - this - unrestrained attachment to women - (B falters somewhat) - er, is deucedly irksome! - Out! - and take my ducks for a walk!

F hang-doggedly leaves, gathers ducks

B: I think perchance, I have a of means of curing his unmanly malaise, Tita

T: Excellento milord!

SCENE 2

B's apartments - F is cleaning B's guns - enters a young Suliote stunner

F(drops firearm): Lord save me! - good morrow Miss (bows)

S1: Que? Non comprendo

F: er, em - bella, όμορφο κορίτσι (to self - zounds, where did that come from?!) - er, are you married? - (points to his own wedding ring)

S1: Sposato? non - Englishman - I am tout yours!

F leads S1 to a quiet chamber in B's apartments

F: Aye lass - you've a fine set of ankles - my Lord has a thing for fairy ankles - though how they quite hold up a girl obtaining other physical attributes he admires, is a matter for the physicians

S1: talk, talk Englishman!!

F begins his ritual unbuttoning - but with greater speed - an almighty thunder is heard on the stairs

S2(screaming): YOU!! English!!

F screams but continues unbuttoning

S2: That is my wife! - I shall unman you here on this very spot - you impolitic infidel!

F: Wife !! - I already have a wife - and many amicae - pray, pray forgive me - er, Vassily? - er, I mean no harm - I am no polyglot - I thought th' lovely lady was on the town!! (hides under bed)

S2: Milord has taught me many English - but I do not understand YOU, you northernman!

S2 drags F kicking and screaming into B's room - S1 follows quietly behind

S2: This gun-cleaner was engaging with my wife - my Lord - I demand satisfaction - or 20 Spanish dollars

B: Fletcher! you have disgraced us all - Tita!!!

T: Si milord?

B: Bring up the garrison - a trial is necessary to maintain the appearance of fairness and respect for local mores

F: A trial! (weeping) - I was only unbuttoning - oh! my Lord, spare me - for the sake of Sally and Marietta - et tout! (trousers fall unexpectedly)

SCENE 3

The entire ferocious Suliote guard is arraigned - S1 and S2 stand behind B

B: Fletcher - you are charged with the corruption of public morals, acquiring another man's wife without full payment, and degrading the standards of behaviour among Englishmen abroad in Greece for their holidays. How plead you?

F: What? aye, my Lord - how can this be? I have needs my Lord! needs!

B: We live in a state of bodily denial here Fletcher - just like armies of yore - we restrain our impulses and store them up for battle

T: Milord?
B: Si Tita?

T: God grant life to the poor man - he is simplico - and cannot be spared in the cleaning of your weaponry

B: mmm - we do go back, do we not Fletcher? - I shall abjure judgment to the wronged party - S2 - what say ye? shall we spare the lascivious yet good-hearted farmhand? - with due compensation to yourselves of course

S1 looks to s2 - takes his sword from his waist and raises it

F: Sweet Jesus save me! - (falls to knees) - I have children, as far as I know - wives - (pleads profusely) I was but lonely for t'other

At hearing one of his favourite expressions - B is convulsed with laughter - the S's and T follow suit

B: Calm yourself my faithful yeoman - (goes to S2) - and learn your lesson (uncovers the face of S1)

More roaring continues

F: Be damned!! I never saw such a hairy lady!

B: Fletcher, you complete poltroon! (takes outer embroidered silk chemise off S1)

F: But?

B: Fletcher - this is Gjon - Vassily's brother-in-law (all roar, again)

F: You have all scurvily tricked me!!

B: You are on notice Fletcher! - say your prayers and devote yourself to my swords, guns, and uniforms - put all thoughts of physical sensation and comfort out of your mind

T: Venga con me Fletcher - we must attend the linen - and the washerwomen

F(bows): Very many apologies Vassily - Gjon - (G winks) - er, ah!

B: Fletcher!!

F - pulling up his trowsers - and T scamper outside to the wash-tubs

B: Well played, my old friends (hands 20 gold doubloons to S1 and S2)

S1: You promised us 20 doubloons each milord

B reaches for his newly cleaned pistols - S's run - F & T are heard being drowned in the washer-women's tubs

B(laughs - then muses): Indeed, how well-prepared I was - my year in Piccadilly was, forsooth, an excellent training ground for the boredom of war! (shoots apple from F's mouth)

END

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