(Hello and) Farewell To Malta

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Cast

Lord Byron 

JC Hobhouse

Fellow Patient - Tertian veteran

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SCENE 1

 

On board the ‘Spider’ – a  sailing vessel

 

B: Adieu, ye joys of La Valette! Adieu, sirocco, sun, and sweat!

H looking at map): Greece next my dear B -  ‘twill be a deuced sight hotter there my friend

B: I have my reasons for wanting to be rid of this irritable isle

H: Ye curséd streets of stairs?

B: I seem to be missing some jewellery – also, I have promised an assignation with a somewhat remarkable Adventuress a year hence 

H: A year hence? – who knows where the Aegean breeze will waft us!

B (mutters): mmm - us - yes, let us advance Hobby! you have a multitude of journals to fill and Japan ink to swallow - I have notions of commencing a quite epic poem of sorts re. my journey

H: Marvellous - I have ample reference volumes - mean harvest averages, yearly rainfalls, etc. - my knowledge is at your disposal  my dear Byron

B: Super - oh look at that! (points) is that a mob for ever railing! attacking merchants often failing?

H: They don’t have the Watch here (consulting Murrays Patented Travel Guide)

B: Adieu, the supercilious air of all that strut ‘en militaire’!

H: To be sure, I found the locals quite, quite charming

B: You mistake me - ‘tis to the fools who ape their betters - who in the UK would be costermongers of some nature - or carriage upholsterers - whom I find damnably odious 

H: We will encounter suburban parvenus wherever we travel Byron - make them aware of your rank by wearing great big feathered hats

B: Curséd red coats, and redder faces!!

H: The boat is lurching – zounds!! my liver is coming up

 

H leaves B on the fore-aft deck scowling at Valletta

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SCENE 2

 

Twilight tiptoes in - no change in B’s mood - H is recovered and making notes

 

B: Adieu, that stage which makes us yawn - adieu, his Excellency’s dancers!

H: Are you going to be like this our whole holiday

B: I hardly thought to grieve once more - to quit another spot on earth - esp. here amidst this barren isle, where panting Nature droops the head

H: Quit it Byron! (grabs him by the epaulettes) - we will be roaming over varied seas and scorching climes - taking notes

B: ‘Tis true - I’ll need them if my poesy is to be in anyway saleable (still sulking) - Hobby, would you mind awfully consulting that Guide – is it absolutely necessary to pass this way again – if I ever return to the distant shore which gave me birth?

 

H is frantic in his researches

 

H: Looks like it - esp. if you have the tertian

B(pacing): What to do? - what to do?

H: What in the name of Jehovah is fretting you?!

B: I have made promises - which I’d quite like to keep - but they tie up my timetable somewhat

H: The lovely wanderer? She has extracted a promise from you - a rogue hunter of squirrels! 
B: Well, I do quite lust after her - look (shows H locket) - see her golden hair and eyes of blue – German, I think - great many consonants

H: Chuck it in the sea - she will not wait for thee!

B(sighs): I fear you are right - Adieu, ye females fraught with graces!

 

Night settles in – the lads begin their Levantine adventures

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SCENE 3

 

May 1811 - Two years have passed – Byron, apart from a couple of Greek servants and a tortoise, is alone 

 

B: By the god of Scrope Davies! I’m back in Malta! Bloody little military hothouse! Be damned to it!!

 

Byron is in quarantine with the Tertian

 

B: Thou damned’st quarantine! Almost wish Hobby was here – he was a marginally better conversationalist than my tortoise (smiles at tortoise) – I can but stare from out my casement - and ask for what is such a place meant?

Fellow patient: Cheer up old soldier

B: I beg your pardon?

Fellow patient: I can see by your big feathered hat you’re an Englishman

B: Recommended travel dress for those of my rank – you are wearing no clothes

Fellow patient: I sweated them off

B: I like your hearty English commonness fellow patient - tell me - do you long for smoky towns and cloudy skies?

Fellow patient: Lawks I do - though it’s as bad as here - but in a different way

B: Ha! well said my friend (B is overcome with emotion) In truth - a femme fatale of my late acquaintance hath betrayed me - me! ever a friend of beauty in distress!

Fellow patient: There are fine women in Malta - when you are cured of this constantly recurring illness you may partake of their charms

B: My friend Hoppner informed me she had departed ‘ere I set out - and he would have no reason to lie - he’s quite an accomplished purveyor of gossip

Fellow patient: Put her out of your head - it’s the Tertian, not love - you knucklehead

B(taken somewhat aback): What? you impertinent scoundrel!! - I’ll not offend you with words uncivil - and wish thee rudely at the Devil!! (points towards door)

Fellow patient: Go back to your solitary nook then - return to scribbling, or a book!

 

Fellow patient slams door, cursing the English

 

B(to himself): I’ll take my physic while I’m able - two spoonfuls hourly by the label - bless the gods I’ve got a fever – I really do  prefer my nightcap to my beaver

 

B falls asleep humming ‘Fair Florence’ by Tom Moore

 

 

 

END

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