HENRIETTA PECKS BYRON

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Cast

Lord Byron

Henrietta D’Ussières, a Governess

Mrs. Botherby

Fletcher

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SCENE 1

 

A respectable mansion, London 1814

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H: Mrs. Botherby?

MB: Yes Henrietta

H: I require an increase in my stipend

MB: Whatever for Hen? You seldom venture outside, your harp-lute is well-tuned - apart from having to custom-make boots for your very large feet, why ever can you need more money?

H: Ink, madam, ink and paper - seals and wax - and blue ribbon

MB: Are you writing a novel? A memoir?

H: Letters, ma'am - many letters - nay, not letters per se - threats - never-ending threats - to my future spouse

MB: Excellent Hen! - for I nabbed Mr. Botherby the same way - (hugs H) - but leaving us so soon - why, I am quite unprepared

H: He is - at present - unaware of his proposal - but it will be the inevitable outcome of my convincing insistence on Platonics - strategies I have previously deployed to avoid an outstanding betrothal - were deucedly unsuccessful (scowls) 

MB: Well! of course your Platonics are sincere Henrietta (frowns) - but is he a respectable man - able to afford to keep you in harp-lute and shoe repairs?

H: All that - he writes poesy to me - me alone - under different guises (sighs) I so long to put his papers in order while setting the fire - just how he likes it - neither careless nor too fussy

MB: Very well - I shall up your pay by £1 per month - will that enable a successful match?

H: Assuredly Mrs. Botherby- for I write seven times a day and will tire him to death by degrees

MB: Better not imitate Bellingham - and kill him at all once, hey my dear Hen?

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MB laughs into her embroidery - H hastens to her quarters

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H: How to effect a meeting? - the penny post office is already throwing daggers at me - mmm - his man could send a message to me - yes - and if he defiantly refuses my seemingly honest Platonics - or goes into the country (sinks) - I must desist - or risk a second exile! 

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SCENE 2

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Byron's Albany pad

 

F: This morning's bombardment my Lord (carries a travelling trunk full of letters tied by blue ribbons)

B(picks one): Oons - bien sûr - it's Henrietta yet again - now she wants me to place a notice in - The Courier! - that compound of baseness and malice?! (F and B scoff with venom) - and to state that 'B---- forgives' (turns over letter) forgives what? - oh - she's prepared to wait until Monday for it?! how very thoughtful is my new Thyrza - as she styles herself  - or sister - or (scrutinises letter) affectionate cousin?? be damned to such nonsense

F: A common play - we have seen it used many a time my Lord

B(lethargic): Indeed we have Fletcher - although, somehow they do seem to wear me down - and at the moment I have many, many cares - a marriage emerging from the ether - and my Mary prancing towards me from Notts - that conjunction is surely the cruellest joke that's yet been played on me

 

F fetches the brandy

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B: As to Henrietta - does she describe herself Fletcher? (F sorts through his share)

F: er - mmm - from Switzerland

B: I am fond of mountainous terrain

F: Plays the harp-lute

B: Dashed fond of music too

F: Is .... an exile?! - and a savage (cocks head) - yea - a savage girl who escaped betrothal to a hideous old man

B: Oh now we're cooking - a tigress perchance

F: Is tall

B: Zounds! - I do hate a dumpy woman!

F: Is threatening to throw herself into the Serpentine

B: Excellent - for I swim like a duck (goes to writing desk)

F(shaking head): My lord - have a care - she may write like a clever woman but she may behave as unlike one as possible

B: Not at all Fletcher - she swears by the Platonic system - and is but envious of Mrs. Mule (hands letter to F - F sighs deeply)

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SCENE 3

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H has found her way to the Albany - is unfurling herself from a long veil

 

B: You are most welcome Miss d’Ussières

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H is shaking all over

 

H: Phew - is it always this busy of a Saturday? A half-gentleman, half-beggar gave me two knocks on the arm - said he would take care of me - is that not terrifying? I visited your dentist - he told me our eyes were similar - dark and sparkling - what say you? The Allied sovereigns are in town - did you know I encountered Napoleon at a parade near Lausanne? - he picked me up after a fall when I was run over by his aide-de-camp - the English...

B: er, well - now, Miss d’Ussières..

H: I hid in the forest from my father once - but his favourite setting dog betrayed my cover - then my sister...

B(explodes): Miss d’Ussières!! (calms) - there is nothing to fear from me dear girl - if you will become acquainted with me – I will promise not to make love to you unless you like it – and even if I did there is no occasion for you to receive more of it than you p....

H: You are not in the court-guide - do you really live here? - I can't believe I'm here - oh! you have a parrot - and a crucifix - I too, am a believer in household pets - they do calm one so do they not - oh your books - how tumbled down are your shelves - let me arrange them - oh! the scared desk - is this where you write odes to me and...

B: Miss d’Ussières! - Fletcher!! - soda water and biscuit for Miss d’Ussières - (to H) - that will ease your innards my dear - you see,  I am a hero to no person whatsoever – do not treat me with such outrageous respect and awe – it makes me feel as if I was in a strait waistcoat

H: How white silk becomes you, my Lord (flutters lashes) - may I? (removes gloves)  - what will your servants think?

B: 1stly. they seldom think at all – 2 dly. they are generally out of the way – particularly when most wanted - now (takes her hand)  - Henrietta we shall speak of the art of friendship and..

H(wobbles): My Lord Byron! Why are you spoiling my joy?! I am as pure as an Alp in spring - I thought you'd be my zealous protector! Will we pray the Rosary (hands beads to B whose fist tightens about them) -oh! you broke them - no matter - it is a pagan custom - why your hands are so very fine - er -ah - oh! there is some dry biscuit on your lip, let me..

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(Mule and Fletcher are heard guffawing in the pantry)

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B(irritated): Miss d’Ussières! - I had faith in your Platonics - for I need a friend - yea, a woman - I do find the presence of a woman softening and their gossip superior - but I see I have been deceived - you are yet another coveter of my fame - my name - and - 'twould seem (H is admiring the lining of B's waistcoat) - my frame 

F: Mr. Davies and Mr. Kinnaird to see you my Lord

B: I have a gentleman's party waiting Henrietta - there will be brandy, cigars, filthy talk, talk of international relations of a most political nature - after which I shall be married - now, I must thank...

H(jumps up): Married? Nay, nay my Lord - for prolonged correspondence with a spinster is in fact an understanding marriage will ensue! - it is in the Geneva Convention - which my Papa helped draft when we... are you sneering?

B: Have you acreage, Miss d’Ussières  - mines - a herd of fattening sheep - capital in the 6 percents? If not -  another spinster of  pretended platonics and - yea, even more psychologically unhinged epistles - has beat you to the altar

F(coughs): Mr. Kinnaird and other experienced men of the world are currently disrobing in the hall Miss d’Ussières!

H: Mon dieu! - where shall I go? I shall be ruined (frowns) yet again - Mrs. Botherby is expecting an announcement in The Times - (mumbles) why do my plans never work, like never!

F: If you follow me Miss - you can leave via the pantry - be sure not to dislodge the mops and brooms or Mrs. Mule will box you on the ear

H: That our love has come to this  - a broom closet - my dear Lord Byron! - (pleads) must I settle for my harp-lute - my tears - my remembrances of your chin - your mouth - your whole person? must I return to Switzerland - to my father's gamekeeper -who has yet to pen a single ode to me?! 

B: Fletcher!! - show Miss d’Ussières out will you - please

H(sobs and waves): Will you name your firstborn after me? Will you ever visit Geneva? 

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Henrietta departs, tidying the fire as she goes

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B(exhausted): Geneva! - Henrietta - you'll see me in Geneva when day is as black as night!

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END​

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