On The Change Of Masters

at a 

Great Public School

​

l

CAST

Lord Byron 

Dr. Drury

Pomposus

Gang of Impressionable Youths

​

​l

 

SCENE 1

 

1805, Harrow-on-the-Hill - headmaster's luxurious office

 

D: Welcome indeed, Dr. Pomposus - I hope you will not find your time with us too harrowing heh heh - wouldn't want to aggravate a lurking thrombosis - eh, what?

P(sneering): Have no fear, my good Doctor - the underfed, overbred brats will not get the better of me!

D: Yes, well - they are quite sweet little chaps at heart - anyways - just mind that curly-headed monkey Georgie Byron

P: Byron huh? Boating chap? Killed someone in a brothel, no? Carried his cousin out in a coffin?

D: Tsk! Idle gossip - and a dismissal by his peers - truly great potential the younger man - owing to his being related to Scots royalty, so his Mother informs me - often

 

Knock on door, a servant delivers a letter 

 

D(blushing): My dear doctor, you may have to excuse me temporarily - there seems to be some sort of societal breakdown in the common room - please, help yourself to the medicinal Sherry

 

D exits, enters common room

 

D: I am shocked, boys - shocked to my last pair of silk stockings - at your threats of novel forms of violence!

B: Hail Drury! (bows) - as I am now King - and out of respect for taking it easy on me - I feel duty-bound to my subjects here (the boys shout ‘yay Byron’)  and before we burn the school down, to ask why Probus has fill’d your magisterial throne?

D(confidentially): Yes, well there is a teacher shortage - most minor divines would rather have a gallstone - but indeed, boys (sighs) - your new Master unfortunately is of narrow brain, yet of a narrower soul and could well enact new-fangled rules and harsh control…

B: That damnable son of a button-maker most assuredly shall not! Collective action is now unavoidable, Drury!

​

Chorus - Burn, Burn, Burn!!!

​

B: All in good time, my devoted acolytes! Drury, to the matter at hand - are us youth - as future rulers, rakes, and ruiners of ancient fortunes - to expect our school to emulate ancient Rome, when it was fast falling to disgrace, and hail a barbarian in Cæsar’s place?

D: You’ve been at your books, young Byron - are you enjoying Gibbon? (smiles gently) Would you like fruit cake for your tea, and a fair raid on my bookcase?

B: Mmm (turns to subjects) this could be a complex negotiation - remain here - and don’t burn anything  just yet - esp. not the bits of panelling with my name on them

 

B and D exit

l

SCENE 2

 

D shows B into his rooms - P advances, scowling

 

P: Nothing serious - one hopes

D: Boys, tsk! - how incendiary they get! Nothing that fruitcake can’t fix

B: It’s a strong negotiating position - (angrily to P) Who are you - you, degenerate?! - and what are you doing on my property?

P: Degenerate! - why you (reaches for empty Sherry bottle)

D: Calm! Saints preserve us - have I not enough catastrophe to be dealing with! (to Byron) - this is your new Headmaster

B: HIM? Oh! I sense the same dire fate as attended Rome, Ill-fated Ida! (to D) - have him flayed, feathered, and sent downtown on a barge - that will appease my people - or this fine old school will be a conflagration of inflammation and disaster!

D: Damn me if you will Byron! Pardon the florid jargon (pulls himself up). Although future generations of Drury’s may bear your name - your behaviour at this moment is intolerable

B: Fruitcake with all the best bits - cherries and the like - for me, if you please - and a hefty slice for each of my comrades

P: What noisy nonsense! Expel the little blackguard! Throw him in the army - see how bold he is on full-dress parades!

​

B flies at P

​

B: You will NOT govern, Pomposus! (gasp from D)

​

B bites P’s ankles and pulls his nose, P struggles for the door

 

l

SCENE 3

​

B stands on top of the whipping block in the common room, wearing P’s cap and gown

 

B: We’ve had a great day here (applause) - assurances have been put in place that Pomposus - unsurprisingly by no social virtue sway’d - has relayed - via the school nurse - that he will in future not mistake pedantry for learning’s laws - although he may well govern, sanction’d but by self applause

 

Children whoop and shout ‘yay Byron’

 

B: To conclude, I’d just like to thank a few people - Dr. Drury (D demurs) no, I couldn’t have instigated and then quelled a rebellion without fruitcake - a hand for the Doctor!

 

Round of applause

​

B: My crew - Clare, Dorset, Delawarr - thanks for being there and not setting Pomposus aflame - lastly, it’s up to us youth - Scions of the Nation - to ensure Ida is never lost to Fame!

​​

Applause and cheers - D hands out cream buns and ale

​​

l

END