​lord byron's

inexhaustible 

Miss Cameron​

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Cast

Lord Byron

Caroline Cameron 

J.C. Hobhouse

S.B. Davies

C.G. Byron

2 Ancient Dashers

 

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Scene 1

 

1808, a well-kept cottage in Brompton within a discreet distance of  The Town

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B(to CC): My college chums are paying a visit - make sharpish with the tidying

CC: We have a char and a groom for that - I have to do my own hair! - you still have not yet provided me with any French maids

B: Discretion, my favoured concubine, or we will be ruined (pecks her cheek) - you know how they love to gossip, the saucy jades!

CC: Indeed - when on the Town - the chief bawds, blackmailers and slanderers were either ex-French maids - or noblewomen in disgrace

B: I hear the trotting of a pyeballed palfrey - make haste!

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CC disappears upstairs - B sees Scrope's little Dormeuse carriage approach

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B: Scrope! Hobhouse! (brings out bumpers of  Cider)

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H & SBD: How do Byron!!

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Mutual warm greetings ensure - the Cider and the guests are bought inside

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H: What in God's teeth has brought you to this primitive dwelling - despite its being a handy gallop from the Cocoa Tree?

B: Your answer will descend presently 

SBD: You dog! - are you keeping a piece here? Or two perchance? (SBD all merriment - H, not so much)

B: I'm not in the habit of keeping my dear Scrope - as you know (flops into chair) I require rest and recuperation after my confinement at Southwell - that cursed, detestable, abhorred abode of scandal, antiquated virginity, and Goddamed universal infamy! (winces) - do pardon the blasphemy

H: I hope confinement in this equally rural cistern eases your temper somewhat - and you commence work on a doughty poem which will earn you a bust in the Abbey

B: Humph! - I am twenty now and therefore have not long to live - anyways, I am fairly knocked up with rhyme

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Movement is heard overhead - footsteps descend the stairs - H and SBD are momentarily speechless

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B: Friends - may I present my current and most tireless inamorata - Miss Caroline Cameron

CC: I know both of you - (circling the lads) - you have the faces of veteran lobby loungers

SBD (to CC): I will have coffee - strong, mind - and a copy of Horse and Hound 

H: By all that's holy, what is going on here Byron? (flares notrils) Why, she looks like the daughter of a prizefighter

CC (to H): Oh yes - I know you - you're a biter!

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Lads shift on feet 

 

B: Caroline - my Delilah - these are our guests - you are not in the Bawdyhouse now!

H: OUR guests?

B: Yes - me and Caroline have shacked up - when I gain my majority we will move into Newstead, as Caroline has suggested

SBD: Well, she's a damned fine piece at any rate (continues with the expert ogling) no doubt when your romance has desisted, I will show a marked interest in her

CC: Nay! - my days on the Town are over Mr. Scrope. I shall join the ranks of those ex-milliners and actresses who cleanse the blood of an hereditarily insane aristocrat

H(triumphantly): You thought you'd consigned the whole race of fortune-hunters to the Pit of Acheron by leaving your northern abode? Ha! - 'twould appear this young strumpet has knocked such notions into a cocked hat!

SBD: So very many Carolines, my dear Byron - perhaps for fear of confusion, you should steer clear of  Carolines in the future - also, do remember that too frequent connection with a milliner will require restoration by Pearson’s

B(laughs): Aye, Pearson sayeth I have done sufficient with this last ten days to undermine my Constitution - I hope however all will soon be well (CC smiles encouragingly)

SBD: Pfft! - I pray to all the Silver Hells in St. James' that this scandalous reversal in your commitment to fleeting passions stays within these walls!

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Caroline gathers her skirts and flounces to the scullery to throw her weight around

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​​​Scene 2

 

The lads, and Caroline, are preparing for a trip to the gaming houses of Brighton

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B: Caroline - whilst I respect that you are no longer a working girl per se - it would not do for me to travel with an unmarried individual with mark'd cockney origins

CC: You devil! (pauses) - I suppose that will change when I am Lady Byron - for the present I am prepared to accept the insult

B: Yes - well - for now - you will condescend to travel as my boon companion - here (passes C a pair of his nankeens and smart black coat) - they should fit as I was quite voluptuous myself at one point

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C dons attire - and looks surprisingly well - somewhat like a middle-manager of a suburban insurance company in years hence

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B: Good lord! - only a fool would think I could find such a get-up in any way attractive (furrows brow)

CC: I demand a fully trained French maid - a former Carmelite novice would suffice - for my part in this fiasco, even Mr. Hobhouse never asked for such favours - and his imagination, at least, that way, was hyperactive

B(somewhat unsettled): In the coach Car.., nay - ‘ cousin Gordon' - to Brighthelmstone! - oons! how I love orthography!

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Byron's coach makes its way across country - they arrive to find H and SBD waiting in the hotel lobby, by the ferns

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H: Why is your groom signing the register Byron?

SBD: I say - damned if the pup didn't just throw me a saucy look!

B: Did she by God!! 

SBD & H: Caroline!

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C hitches up her somewhat loose nankeens

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SBD: In the name of Brummel! This is too much - even for Brighton!

B: You - you profane Scoffer! Brighthelmstone is not a town whose inhabitants are notorious for officious curiosity - unlike Southwell - prepare for a mighty session of Hazard where I shall explain all - and at which my cousin Gordon shall not be present!

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​​Scene 3

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Caroline is now in equestrian attire - fetching, but odd without a horse nearby

 

H: Byron - I must speak to you in seriousness about this damnable situation! - I shall meet you in ten by the ferns

 

CC is chatting in the foyer with a pair of ancient dashers

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A1: Where is your steed, my dear? - you look somewhat misplaced without one

CC: I have an 'orse - it's my cousin - over there (pointing to B) - what gave it to me - (spotting H and B) - I'll take my leave of yer, ladies (proceeds to hide behind ferns)

A2: He wouldn't get away with such outrages in Southwell - Brompton perhaps

Both: Tsk tsk! What will become of yet another scandalous Lord Byron!

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CC finds an excellent spot to eavesdrop

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H(to B): Own that this is but a sad state of yours and a very miserable way of going on for you - this infatuation - this madness - this burning mutual love which has driven you to such lengths Byron! Of all your adventures - this is by far the most injurious to your reputation - it must come to an end! 

B: Oh Hobby! I tire of promiscuous concubinage - and will settle for a quiet, though debauched, life with the inexhaustible Miss Cameron as my official mistress and disciplinarian of the roaming Paphians of Newstead 

H: Open your eyes - which are portals of the sun - my friend! I heard the floozy ask Scrope for tips on Hazard, request specifics re. the upholstery inside his Dormeuse - and - his sleeping arrangements for the night!

B: Ah! - once more betrayed!!! (weeps on H's shoulder - recovers promptly) - however, I am suffering from severe exhaustion - and damned be to it - if the girl cannot read and write!

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CC jumps out from behind ferns and scratches H's face

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CC: You unbathed varlet!! I'll see to it you are never again favoured with dearly-bought charms at any house or lobby in London!

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An almighty contretemps is happening in the lobby - several employees seem injured

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B(actually quite relieved): Mother!!

CGB: BYRON!! The game is up! You are returning to Southwell with me - London and its abyss of sensuality are making another Jack Byron of you - God rest his soul! - Do you owe money to your tailor? Who is this oddly dressed strumpet? Have you demanded satisfaction of anyone?

B: There have been several instances of insolence - there's Mr. Tiddie er - Hewson Clarke, Henry Brougham, and Robert Southey

CGB: Good god - that's a fine brace! - I will take care of them - your Manor is being plundered - make haste! (grabs B's ear - and drags him out) Mr. Hobhouse, Mr. Davies - you are baleful influences on my son - never venture to Southwell - or you will receive fire-tongs to the head! (H covers himself with fronds and departs promptly)

CC(is forlorn): Quel dommage! I must perchance go back to Lord Sligo's keeping or the Bawd

SBD: My little Dormeuse carriage awaits, fair Caroline - for you are quite aptly attired - and I will teach you the tricks of Hazard which you so keenly desired!

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CC takes SBD's arm and jaunts past Hobhouse, cowering outside, and gives him one more scratch across the cheek, for luck

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END​