Lines Addressed To A Young Lady

 

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Cast

Lord Byron – An uncouth youth

Mary Chaworth – A distant cousin

Gaggle of her equally dismissive friends

 Gamekeeper

 

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SCENE 1

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Terrace at Annesley Hall, home of Mary Chaworth

 

​B: These maidens seem to find me a dashed handsome fellow – Hullo fair ones! (waves to bunch of giggling girls) – if they have their eyes on my Manor, so much the better – for it is somewhat short of game

 

 

Gamekeeper leaps upon the terrace

 

G: How do m’lud

B: Have you bought my gun?

G: I ‘ave that – here she be – a fine one she is too!

B: Are you Cornish? Perhaps you may be a relict of my familial loins – however - you have done a fine piece of work here - there’s a bank token

G: I be thanking you m’lud, arr (doffs cap and puts token behind ear)

 

B loads gun, waves somewhat randomly in the air, frightening the ducks

 

B: Oh the joy of firearms! (spies an old wooden gate) – that hound Musters will have to spoon out dollops of cash for repairs to this mansion – it is almost as bad as my own (wistfully)

 

B takes aim, fires  - maidens run screaming, falling over ducks

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B (horrified): Oops! Sweet girls! Pardon the hissing leads, wafting over your heads – most assuredly I did not mean to send destruction o’er thy charms!

M: Oh you horrid boy!

B: My MAC! - surely some envious demon’s force, vex’d to behold such beauty here, impell’d the bullet’s viewless course

M: You nearly clipped the ear off my charming friend

B: Zounds – apologies! (waves to maiden on stretcher) so long as the bullets hurtled not o’er thy lovely head, or fill’d that breast with fond alarms..

M: Fond? Sweet Jesus! You must desist in this language – and turning pale whenever I enter your chamber – I am to be married!

 

B turns pale

 

M: I just heard the tocsin of the soul – i.e. ‘Tis dinner – you are expected

 

B glowers, but follows

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SCENE 2

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Dinner table

 

M: Pals and relations – My Lord has something to say to you – Byron?

B: I confess, in my carelessness – unexceptional in a youth distracted with undying love – my gun, a corker from Manton’s - diverted from its first career. Yes! in that nearly fatal hour, the ball obey’d some hell-born guide

M (pats Byron’s trembling hand): But Heaven, with interposing power, in pity turn’d the death aside

Girls: Saints be praised!

B: Yet, as perchance one trembling tear upon that thrilling bosom fell..

M: In the name! - Byron!! (covers ears as do most of the other girls)

B: Deuced if I know what dire penance can atone for such an outrage done to thee! (throws napkin to the table, throws comb-over aside – revealing his eyes, which are portals of the Sun)

 

Some of the girls gasp

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M(gets up, to the girls): What punishment wilt thou decree? Might I perform the judge’s part?

 

Girls are busy gawping at the newly-handsome Lord with the vast acreage – and will not commit to answer

 

B: Pfft!! I’ve enough of your tortures my MAC – I’m off to yonder diadem – again, apologies ladies – my stars and garters!! – you are ALL quite pretty and luminous!

 

Giggles of a more flattering nature ensue

 

M(angry): If you continue with that temper and poor marksmanship, you’ll never again see finer maidens arraign’d before you

B: I suspect, my Mary, I shall (storms off)

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SCENE 3

 

Top of oddly diademed Hill

 

M: You must not look at my innocent-seeming friends in the eye in so lustful a manner Byron

B(playing with a daisy): Your sentence I should scarce deplore - it only would restore a heart which but belong’d to thee before

M: Stop it! Yonder – see my fine betrothed in his hunting gear (waves over-excitedly). The daily - nay, oft times five times daily - devotion to his tenantry should serve as an example for all

B: Henceforth I breathe but for thy sake, thou shalt be all in all to me

M: Jack, my soon-to-be devoted husband, will have your hide and house if you continue with this kind of drivel – he dislikes books, poetry, etc.

B: I care not – he looks ridiculous – what atrocious whiskers - and his trousers are always buttoned up somewhat inexpertly

M: I will not see you for a good few years Byron – but I would not dislike to catch up when you return from your holidays

B: I swear, nought shall thy dread decree prevent - let it be aught but banishment!

 

M gets up in a huff, the sky weeps for her incandescent charms

 

M: Part we must – I to a life of marital bliss. I wish the same for you Byron – plain in every possible way though you be at this moment in time

B: My Scottish and Cornish blood - that Celtic mix of mystic fairy-wrangling and spellbinding - tells me we will share a fate - my English blood says it's a sure bet

M: You think?

B: And yet we shall not be together – I shall just miss you at Hastings

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 M extends hand to B – who refuses it

 

B: No you shall not have the thrilling touch of my superbly beautiful white hand – You have tortured me enough! I’m off to make my own way in the world and when I return you will feel like a chicken bone has been lodged in your throat

M: I’m on a milk diet for insurance purposes - I’m off to meet Musters – anon Byron!

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M runs down hill

 

B: To Newstead! – to ghosts and bogles – no sighs! – no ogles!

 

B walks down the hill,  until he can no longer see his Mary smiling – is tapped on the shoulder by the gamekeeper

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G: You forgot your gun m’lud – mind your way back t’house – there be bogles along the way

B: I have had a deficiency of luck shooting in the dark,  my faithful Cornish kinsman -  but I shall take it - one day – perchance – I shall hit my mark

 

Makes haste towards Newstead, across lands broad and rich

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END