Cast

Lord Byron

Mr. Watts

Mr. Meryon

Mr. Adair

Hadji Bey​

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Scene 1

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Hadji Bey's Tobacco Emporium, Constantinople, 1810

 

HB: Ah! - Mr. Watts - Mr. Meryon - welcome, most charming Englishmen (bows)
W: Merhaba, Mr. Bey (inclines head) - my good wife has sent me on a most urgent errand - tell me, is it possible to mix rose leaves with tobacco - ‘ Yenice' perhaps? yes? (squidges leaves) ‘ Güler Ağgez'? - to fragrance the air in our chambre à coucher, you understand? Mrs. Watts objects most strenuously to the scent of tobacco - believes it redolent of an aging seagull's guano

HB: Ah! we have yet to convert the fine English ladies to the sublime leaf! Rose or Jasmine will succeed, İngiliz friend (potters about his mixing trays)

M: Pray, does such a thing as spearmint tobacco exist? My breath is perceptibly foul after smoking - I doubt I shall ever be kissed

HB(splutters): Ye beylers! - ha! -spearmint?!

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Doors open - an English gentleman, robed in a scarlet coat richly embroidered with gold, and two attendants enter the vestibule

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HB (whispers to W): By the light of the sun and moon! Mr. Watts, is this person a - er - a gentleman?

W(surveys B discreetly): I see your dilemma, Mr. Bey - his countenance suggests about the age of two-and-twenty - his features are remarkably delicate, like a butterfly's - almost giving him a feminine appearance, but for the manly expression of those fine blue eyes

M: Humph! - all I can see is a lameness in one of his legs - could he be that scribbling Lord Byron? I have heard he and his companion Mr. Hobhouse recently arrived on the Salsette frigate 

W: I heard the same last eve in Toby's Café Anglais - 'twould appear they had been previously travelling in Epirus and Asia Minor - and, by Nero's socks! - did not the Ali Pasha want to cut off his little white ears and fashion a peruke from his fine auburn locks!

HB: İngiliz! - such talk will have ye in the Pasha's stocks! (whispers) The tall man is a Cicerone to strangers of the Porte - the other, a Janissary attached to the English embassy - he must be a Nobleman if your ambassador provides him with such an escort

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B enters the inner shop, takes off his feathered cocked hat - which reveals, in no small degree - the uncommon beauty of his face

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HB: Such a yakışıklı adam! Not so many very handsome English men, no? (is aghast)

​​B(approaches, with reserve): Good day gentlemen (to Janissary) - what is the name of the tobacconist?

Janissary(whispers): Hadji Bey, milord

B: Mr. Bey - I am but an amateur of smoking, however, in order to become better acquainted with that occupation sublime, our Ambassador to the Porte, Mr. Adair, recommends I purchase a variety of pipes - er - to say - borular?

 

HB shrugs

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Cicerone: Tubi?

Janissary: A fumer? Pipe?

M(jeers): Why, you have none of the Turkish language - sir?

B(is astonished at such presumption): I can swear one horrible oath - and (thinks) pimp is‘ tedarikçi', I believe, or some such (sneers down finely carved nostrils) - to judge by the yellowish lesions about your person - sir - 'twould appear I am not the sole possessor of such knowledge - otherwise, no - I have no great vocabulary

W: If you'll forgive me - er, as it is most vexing not to be a polyglot in this most metropolitan of cities - perhaps I may be of help to you? Mr. Bey speaks no English - though he supplies many of the racier gentlemen's clubs with tobacco, and these marvellous ‘ cigars' which the excise men in England have - bafflingly - outlawed

​B: Why, good day t'ye! (B shakes W's hand cordially) I assure you, I always feel great pleasure whenever meeting with an English gentleman abroad

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W and HB go about choosing a pipe, and cigars, for B

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B(is delighted with his purchases): In London - perchance wassailing at the Dog & Duck with my comrades - I am more in the habit of chewing tobacco - to stave off hunger, as you see (twirls) - cavalry twill is most unforgiving - however, I have no doubt great wreaths of smoke will quite become me (bows, imperceptibly) 

​W: Decidedly so, my Lord - ahem - perhaps myself and Mr. Meryon may have the honour of directing your attention to some of the more remarkable curiosities in Constantinople?

M: I shall have to beg off - Mr. Bey has just received some toothsome new blends from Afghanistan which I should like to sample

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B appears relieved - the two civil Englishmen walk out together and commence their tour, W noticing, belatedly, that B has not asked his name, or enquired as to how he knew his

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Scene 2

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B &W ramble about the ancient city

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W: I understand you are travelling with a friend, my Lord - somewhat akin to myself and Mr. Meryon?
B: Indeed - Mr. Hobhouse - he is the most entertaining of companions and a fine fellow to boot

W: That is fortunate, for Meryon is insistent on sampling every aspect of oriental life - which I often fear may take his own

B: Not Hobhouse - he is making woundy preparations for a book upon his return - using my patience as a whetstone! - he has 100 pens, two gallons of Japan ink, and several volumes of best blank - no bad provision for a discerning public with but a moderate thirst for another tourist's Miscellany

W: Please God, he shall have some success - it must be dispiriting for an author not to sell any

B(is cautious): Myself, I have laid down my pen, but have promised to contribute a chapter on the state of morals in the Levant 

W: Ah! you scribble too - in matters moral - with Mr. Hobhouse as your confidant?

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B is oddly relieved that W is ignorant of his little fame at home ​

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B: I shall request your arm over these cobbles for they are worse than any laneway in London

W: Most certainly (offers arm) - I too am not immune from ambulatory wobbles - shall we explore the outer walls? (a breeze wafts by) - ah! the land of cypress and myrtle, cedar and vine, where the flowers ever blossom, the beams ever shine..

B: ..where the citron and olive are fairest of fruit, and the voice of the nightingale never is mute (sits on wall) - ‘tis the clime of the East - ‘ tis the land of the sun - can he smile on such deeds as his children have done?

W: You speak warmly of the Turks, my Lord - should you desire a long residence among them?

B(nods): God willing - for they are extremely polite to strangers of any rank - sink me if I can discern any difference between the turbaned “beyefendi" and the well-tailored Frank​

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B's openness gives W a dram of protocol-defying courage

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W: If I may be so forward, my Lord - is it not remarkable that among travellers, the peculiar circumstances under which acquaintance establishes - in one day's space - a certain degree of intimacy which two or three years frequenting each other's company would most likely not have accomplished in one's birthplace?

B: I do agree - although oft times the acquaintance is forced - and not so agreeable, in fact, a perfect ipecacuanha when one is confronted by a pedantic female in need of a good physical therapist (frowns) - however, I consider myself extremely fortunate in having met you - not solely as a countryman, but as an expert oriental tobacconist​

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The lads amble along the Seven Towers to the end of the Golden Horn

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Scene 3

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The English ambassador's residence that evening

 

A: You are most welcome, Mr. Watts - my, do I detect the light wings of Zephyr - oppress’d with perfume - Rose - in particular - wafting around the inside of my nose?

W: Good evening, Mr. Adair - well, for that you can blame my wife - a countrywoman - prefers the fair gardens of Gúl to Mr. Bey's overly masculine tobacco polluting our bedclothes

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W spots B across the room - resplendent in a feathered hat and monumental epaulettes​

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W: Mr. Adair, that gentleman in the large feathered hat - why, did I not, after an accidental rencontre in Mr. Bey's emporium, spend this very day wandering about the place with him - but I've yet to be introduced in regular form

A: Ah! - the Lord Byron - yes, he has an irresistible attraction in his manner - does he not? - only those who have had the good fortune to be admitted into his intimacy can alone have felt the power

W(nods): The most agreeable encounter I have yet had in this venerable metropolis, Ambassador - which is saying something - has been with that winsome giaour (shuffles) er - as, I believe, he is as yet unaware of my name, would you...
A: Say no more! - he does so love to meet his countrymen abroad - come this way, Mr. Watts

W: Ahem, Lord Byron - I have a walking acquaintance of yours - who requests a formal introduction - Lord Byron - Mr. Watts

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Bows

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B(coldly): Yes, I recollect this gentleman perfectly

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B proceeds to turn his back on W and continue his conversation with others

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A(is mortified): Well, I never witnessed such an unceremonious proceeding! (gawps) I am at a loss of how to account for it (regains composure) - please, Mr. Watts - this way, perhaps - we have many an interesting guest - why - there is Lord Sligo, an Irishman, loves to catastrophize his potatoes with butter and black pepper - there, too, is Lady Stanhope - nay, perhaps not, that female is a pedantic guest - indeed, many of our company would prefer conversation with a leper

W: Your excellency, I am ill-disposed to either continue this evening of ceremonial slaughters (Adair winces) or to entertain a favourable opinion of his Lordship - I shall retire to my quarters (bows and departs, confused and deeply offended)

 

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Scene 4

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The next day, B searches for W in the streets - eventually spots W and greets him with a smile of good nature - W attempts to evade his company

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B: Mr. Watts - please, give me your honest hand (W dithers, gingerly offers hand ) - you see, I am an enemy to English etiquette, especially out of England, as I always make acquaintance of my own choice - without waiting for the formality of an introduction from some ambassadorial blowhard (flutters eyelashes) - and am quite at sea when caught off-guard

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W is silent

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B: Truth is - I was not bought up to the formalities of court life - I had a wild and ill-managed youth amongst the pear trees of Aberdeen (W remains steadfast) - shyness is the curse of my family, withal - except my mother, of course - and my father's boldness precipitated a divorce - but alas, my sister and I are prone to severe attacks of the ‘ shys' - oh, how amongst strangers we agonise!

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W is warming up

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B: I even refused an offer of a lodging at the English palace - for I prefer the freedom of my homely inn (laughs, W cannot help but capitulate, such are B's teeth, which are so many stationary smiles) - if you have nothing to do, Mr. Watts, and are disposed for another amble, I shall be glad of your company

W: Certainly, I should accept most humbly - now, I have no guide-book...

B: Murray's Patented Guide? - damned shuffling thing! ​I have felt much disappointment at their want of curiosity re. public executions and whatnot - however, we shall not need a book to appreciate the picturesque beauties of the town, its surrounding scenery, and if time permits, the odd fleshpot

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The wanderers marvel at the mysterious fluttering shutters of the Seraglio

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​B: Ah! I see the emporium of Hadji Bey - tell me, why did that scrupulously correct Englishman - your Mr. Meryon - not receive an invitation to the Ambassador's last eve? (smirks)

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HB comes running out of his shop in a panic

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HB: Mr. Watts!! - Mr. Meryon is disgracing himself on the divan in my parlour - I believe he was unused to the contents of my latest consignment - by my stars and garters, it has rendered him quite perverse! (drags W's sleeve) - please, Mr. Watts - find a way to remove him - 'ere the Janissary sells him as a concubine to the Pasha - or removes his head - or worse!

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M comes a-ambling out, dressed in superexcellent Turkish harem pants

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M: Why 'tis Lord Byron! Well done, Watts, on cornering the author of Hours of Idleness - good luck writing such saucy odes to Turkish maidens, your Lordship, pfft! - heh - oh! - that production is still fresh in every English reader’s recollection after the savagery with which the Edinburgh Reviewers weighed in

W: Meryon, your attempts at wit are mortifyingly cack-handed! We may be leagues from Golders Green - but satisfaction can still be demanded! What is Hours of Idleness?

M: Hey-day, thou book-shy Watts! - you can supplement your income by scribbling a recollection of meeting his Lordship - if  he makes it in the long run - and if that pale face doesn't shrivel up like a vampire's in the sun 
B(triumphantly): So - my easily offended Mr. Watts - this is the fine etiquette you demand of the English gentleman abroad? - oons, how I detest mingling with your barbaric, canting horde!

W: What? - we are not all barbarians, my Lord!
HB: Mr. Watts! You must remove that man - if he insults any more customers, I will have to send my eight daughters to the bawd!
W: Meryon! - put on your frock-coat or I'll hurl you, none too prematurely, into the afterlife, and march you to the first frigate home - to your Wife! (M starts, and flees) - my Lord, I apolog... (looks around)

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B has vanished from Hadji Bey's emporium - is sitting on the dock, twirling his mustachios and smoking a cigar 

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B: Ah! Sublime tobacco! Magnificent in Stamboul but less grand - though not less loved - in Wapping or the Strand (inhales deeply) - Divine in hookas, glorious in a pipe, when tipp'd with amber, mellow, rich, and ripe! (wafts vast clouds of smoke into the hues of the sky, which, with the purple of the Ocean, vie) - Give me a cigar! - and trust to all the gods of Greece and Rome ‘ our' Mr. Meryon, that true exemplar of English etiquette, receives his due at the Pasha's next bridal bazaar (puffs, contentedly)

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End​​​​​​​